Log Book Entry 6-22-10 - Sorrow and Confusion

It shouldnt be this way ...
I wanted these blogs to be happy and uplifting events - especially the ones about skydiving
But alas ... 
The Universe had other plans 
Perhaps I should have been more diligent ? 
Maybe I wasnt appreciative enough ? 
Perhaps I should have kept the log book and journals up to date ? 
Maybe I didnt "Pay It Forward" ? 
Or 
Perhaps - which is my greatest fear - this is an episode in my life that has come and gone almost without me even being aware of it ? 
Im not sure when things actually shifted ? 
Im not sure I really want to ...
Why did something so PURE become so tainted ? 
Skydiving gave me HOPE
Now - even the thought of going back in the air fills me with anxiety from head to toe
I remember my first few encounters with the aerial freedom and healing energies falling through the sky at 120 plus miles an hour gave me ... 
I remember - even when I pounded into the ground and shattered my foot - I was NOT going to give this up - EVER ! 
My friend Marius told me - some day - you will just STOP - and think - why am I doing this ?
That hasnt happened ( yet ) 
On the contrary - I know - or I thought I did - WHY I am ( was )  doing this 
The problem is much more complex 
The problem is nauseating 
The problem is tearing me apart 
As I sit out on the back porch of the place I have tried to call "home" I realize that there are certain things you can not have or make come true - no matter how hard you may try
They say you will never have more on your plate than you can handle
The Sperm Donner use to always say - "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" 
I feel like I am about to "die" 
I want PEACE
I want SANCTUARY 
I want to be LOVED 
PS And yes - I still want to skydive ... 

Log Book - Flying Blind ( Sept 08 )

LadyBug Log Book Entry Category: Life Quick note Another antidote from LadyBugs Log Book - LOL Saturday morning ... Keith is late and the rest of the Flash Point Team members are getting "antsy" I offered to walk the dives with them so they could work on the mechanics We moved out to the creepers to look at the angles Stevie makes the 20 minute call ... STILL no Keith They ask me if I feel up to putting it in the air What the heck I suited up and decided to give it a go Heck - if they were asking ME to join THEM I would be STUPID not too ... Lets look at the big picture here I have NEVER flown Outside Centre I have NEVER done Block 4 or 1 ( though I didn't tell them that ) Up we go - only to 10.5 as they were doing a "mock up meet" I gave the count Not bad for someone who rarely - if ever does that Out the door - and the exit flew ! WOW I'm feeling froggy now .. Then - just coming down off the hill - POP Off comes my helmet Johnny balked and backed out of the formation I knew this was a defining moment in MY skydiving "career"so I opted to just keep on going I couldn't "see" and was way over stimulated but by implementing my faithful arousal control techniques - straight from my Bri and Kaptain Kirk notes - I was at least able to stay in the scheme of things It wasn't pretty - I can tell you that - but we did manage to get thru two pages - even with all the shenanigans Most important for me - no wigging out I did "my job" I completed the dive When I got to the ground I even found my helmet - albeit a little bruised and battered Now - I feel like an "almost" real skydiver ~me~ PS Thanx for the GREAT memories guys and let me know if you need an alternate for Nationals - LOL

Log Book ( Oct 08 )

Skydiving is not easy …


That is Johnny SkyDive's FAVOURITE saying and you know what - he is ever so right

( about that one ) 


I only just recently became "brave" enough to "break" at 4000 feet


This is apparently a requirement if I am going to do anything serious with my four way relative work


With my canopy - a Spectre 150 - after tracking - another skill I was not too proficient with until the last 25 jumps or so - that puts me in the saddle around 2000 feet (+ / - )


For me - that is pushing the limits


With no real room for error I must evaluate my deployment immediately or cut it away
I feel like I am living on the edge


Pretty exciting stuff for this 47 year old woman

But
…

That was until I compared it my friend Larry " Funnelmaster" Fojt


Larry is a REAL Skydiver


He is one of the ORIGINAL "Sport Parachutists" and listed in "Pioneers Of Sport Parachuting "


He started skydiving before I was even born Ok - maybe not THAT long - but pretty darn close


An ex military Special Ops member from 1962 thru 1968 there's no telling where he went and what he did during this period - and he won't discuss it either.


He was Halo qualified and rated before it was even an officially accepted part of the military program.


This guy knows his stuff.


Skydiving since 1960 Larry has watched the sport evolve from the early round military surplus gear he is so fond of thru the 70's and 80's whilst it rapidly transitioned into a safe main stream sport, jumping the elliptical designed wings of today and everything in between.


In describing those early days Larry often reminds me …
"Hell, it was trial and error, there were no rules - we made them up as we went along and simply tried to get back on the ground alive"


His LOVE for the sport is undying


Every weekend (health allowing) he is out at his home DZ Skydive Houston sharing his knowledge with "newbie's"


USPA Coach, IAD/Static Line instructor and PRO rated, Larry is always available to anyone wanting his assistance


Larry TRULY believes in giving back to this sport


Known for his attention to detail, chain smoking and pension for "pulling low" this guy most times isn't  going for the hackie until 1500 feet ( He say's 2000') and won't be found wearing a AAD or RSL.


"We didn't have them then and I don't want them now"


On fun jumps while the rest of us practice exits and dirt dive our jump Larry waits until 10,000 ft on the climb to altitude and says …
"Ok, this is what we're gonna do"


Old school for sure.


Quite simply - AMAZING - especially given the fact that at 66 - having beaten cancer TWICE - like the ENERGIZER BUNNY - he just keeps going!

Log Book - Nov 08 - Humble "Fly"

In Perris

Here for a Team Building Workshop

Wasnt nervous ...

Or so thought I

Today was - without a doubt - my "worst" day of skydiving

Ever

BEER

I could not do anything right

It just "wasnt there"

I have had bad days before

Days when I have just not been on my"game"

But today was beyond that

Maybe it was the altitude change (?)

Maybe it was the anxiety of jumping at a different dz (?)

Maybe it was because - with the exception of one second repeat jump - every jump I did was with three different people - none of whom I knew or had ever jumped with 

before (?)

Or maybe - if the truth be known - maybe was just because - I SUCKED !

Anyway

It was embarrassing

It was humiliating

And YES

It was humbling

POST SCRIPT

Tomorrow is a New Day

I have had a WONDERFUL dinner with my NEW Friends - taken a HOT Shower - and will now GO TO BED and DREAM of BETTER Days !

HOW SKYDIVING CHANGED MY LIFE

I read an article in the parachute magazine about how skydiving changed a person’s life.

It got me to thinking

I think a lot

Probably too much but..

If ever there were a person who could say … skydiving changed my life – it would be have to be me!

Six years ago I was a happily married wife and mother of two

My children were both healthy and well on their way to their chosen paths of life

My daughter, then 18, was living her dream as a professional dancer

She was performing in Festival of the Lion King at Walt Disney World in Orlando.

My son, 16 and newly graduated, was looking forward to attending Auburn University in a combined Business and Aviation Program

I had home schooled both my kids for the two years previous so that they could pursue their chosen fields without having the traditional four-year high school delay.

My husband and I were looking forward to having a semi empty nest and building our “dream home”

Then – one weekend – my world came crashing down around me

In the summer of 2003 Tim McGraw released a song – Live Like You were Dying – which raced up the pop charts like few others

I’m a BIG Tim McGraw fan – and Faith Hill as well – so any musical success of either of these two artists is always a welcome event by me

On this particular fateful day though – it was not

I remember sitting in the emergency room with my son – who had been having headaches and feeling dizzy for about two weeks previously.

We had been to the Dr and he had been diagnosed with a sinus infection and allergies …

One afternoon – when I came home from work he was on the couch so dizzy that I knew I needed to get him to some urgent care

I thought he might have been having a reaction to the medication because neither of my kids took a lot of that sort of thing growing up

The ER ordered a cat scan as a precautionary measure

There was some thought that he may have inadvertently bumped his head in the pool

NOT

As I stood there looking at the X rays I was in total disbelief

Right in the middle of his head  - as big as golf ball – was a mass of something

The hospital made arrangements to transport us to the Arnold Palmer Children’s Hospital STAT.

The tumor was pushing on his optic nerves and he was in danger of going blind

All I could think of was that song …

“I was in my early 40’s – with a lot of life before me – when… Stopped me on a dime”

At that moment my whole life changed.

Fast-forward two years

The tumor was successfully removed and though his pituitary gland was rendered non functional – and he would be dependant on a host of medications for the rest of this life – he had survived

What did not survive was my marriage

For whatever reason – and now – looking back – I can only assume that the Universe knew what it was doing – my husband was unable to cope with the financial or emotional pressures that had fallen upon us

Instead he turned to illicit drugs and activities to numb his pains

Fast forward again

My daughter – calling from New Zealand – one week before what was to be my 23^rd wedding anniversary

She knew how distraught I was as my husband had taken most of our marital assets and savings and the litigation had turned ugly

She told me we needed to go skydiving so that I could remember “this day” as a FIRST in my new life

So – she on one side of the world and me on the other set our appointments

I arrived at the drop zone – Zephyrhills – complete with son in tow.

He too wanted to participate in this maiden voyage and major affirmation of my – our - new beginning

My instructors name was Sebastian

He was from France and quite simply – adorable

My vidiographer Billy was from Canada

Being Canadian – French Canadian – I could not have asked for a better team

We suited up and began our adventure

All I remember was that when I hit the ground I was in such a euphoric state I could not think of or focus on anything else but the sensory overload that cascaded around in my body mind and soul

I went home to reflect on the experience

I could not get it out of my mind

I spoke to my team of councilors and therapists

They all agreed I should go back for a second jump

So I did

Sebastian let me go bare foot

I wanted to FEEL the air on my feet for I have always been one to prefer to have the ground under them – sans apparel

It was again MAGNIFICENT

As I look back now and read thru my journals I can see how animated and excited I was

There was – without a doubt – a breath of fresh air in me …

I spent the next three months going thru the AFF program

Again – all of my councilors agreed this would be good in my healing process

I had to find something to focus on and being an avid student of life – having an inquisitive mind – and being of an athletic disposition – committing to something by myself – for myself – would hopefully help me re define myself.

Well – it did - and so much more

In June of 2006 fresh out of the AFF program and 30 minutes of tunnel time under my belt I attended a canopy control class

There I met a gentleman from Texas who would later not only become my coach and mentor but my eventual friend, companion and lover.

Now – I wasn’t looking for any of this

All I wanted to do was JUMP

Skydiving gave me the feeling of peace and tranquility I had so been lacking

In a serendipitous way it taught me that – there – in the sky – just me and space – there was nothing and no one but me – I had total control – and yet none

It helped me put everything back into perspective

I jumped thru the summer

I became stronger

I learned I was a lot stronger than I had ever imagined

My self-confidence and will to live slowly returned

By September – that gentleman - Johnny and I had become very close friends

Fate had brought us together

Of this I was sure

Thru long talks at night – over the telephone and across the miles we learned our lives had taken parallel courses

His son had been hit by a car and suffered brain trauma

My son was recovering from a tumor

This was in and of itself huge because he could empathize with all the medical and financial issues I had to deal with

He had a daughter as did I

We both referred to them as “Princess”

He had a spouse with addiction issues and had been thru a volatile divorce

I was in the middle of one

He came to Florida

We jumped

I went to Texas

We jumped

As our friendship blossomed into “love” his obsession with skydiving became mine

Then - in October of 2006 I had a terrible accident

My inexperience and ignorance caused me to crash and burn

On my 45^th birthday I received 11 fractures – 7 chips and 1 compressed bone.

I “crushed” my foot

For the next 7 months I was in a cast

I didn’t jump for 10

All this time on the ground I got to re evaluate my skydiving journey

I got to examine the how and whys of it all

I was blessed with this time and opportunity to examine the if and what about this strange exercise that compelled and drove me to such wild states

I got to decide if this was something I really wanted to do …

In the end – the final answer was YES

In July of 2007 my orthopedic surgeon gave me the “green light” and I was able to get re certified and current.

I spent most of that summer commuting back and forth from my home in Florida to Houston where the man I would eventually call my companion lived.

Then just as my life seemed to be getting back on track I again had to face the reality of fear and danger

My gear – which I had bought new – a present from me to me from my divorce - gave me the scare of my life

After less than 15 jumps back from my accident, at a new drop zone, on a hot summer day – not only did I have my first cut way but I also had my first off landing.

Apparently – my container – which I had bought new – had one riser flap that did not stretch out properly

The more jumps I made – the greater this issue became

My first malfunction was a violent line twist with 12 rotations.

When I looked up I knew I was never going to untangle them as they shot up to the top of the lines and were tightly wrapped.

Lucky for me emergency procedures were something that my AFF instructor Laura Song went over in detail.

From her I learned – in no uncertain terms – that each dive flow should contain your emergency procedures

As a new jumper – I just naturally included this as part of my dive flow

I don’t think I had had enough experience to become complacent about it

The funny thing was I never got scared

In fact – my arousal level never really went up until I got back down on the ground and had to deal with the well wishing concerned fellow skydivers.

Several weeks later – and several hundred dollars of repack and replacement fees as well - the same thing happened again.

This time – with more spinning and I got slung over on my back

Again I went for my handle and again I found myself under a white fluffy reserve.

This time upon hitting the ground I landed on an ant bed

Unbeknownst to me they got up into my jumpsuit and started biting me

Five hours later - after mega doses of benadrl all was well less the down time I would now ensue whilst I was having my rig inspected thoroughly by the manufacturer and getting all the parts and pieces for my repack.

Since down time was something I was becoming very familiar with I used the opportunity to study and learn the random and blocks.

I diligently reviewed and visualized as many as I could so that upon my eventual return in late November I was READY TO SKYDIVE

At this point I also made a commitment to give myself two years and a certain amount of resources to really explore my skydiving potential – explicitly relative work

It is now one year into that decision … and with over 200 jumps and 8 hours of tunnel I have at least established that YES – I am a skydiving “junkie” - with a strong – almost compulsive – urge to JUMP

So – has skydiving changed my life?

You bet …

Or is it that my life changed and I found skydiving?

All I know for sure is that it is true what I have heard about people with an obsessive lifestyle or habit.

I now eat, live and breathe this stuff.

I have no real or substantial friendships, communication or rapport with people who are not involved in the skydiving world.

Woofos almost “bore” me …

My conversation and thoughts revolve around skydiving or some subsidiary there of

My kids think I am nuts – but then they knew I always was … perhaps even more so now though they are both thrilled and relieved that I have found something that puts such a smile on my face

Life is a journey and it is all about choices

Nothing is forever and if there is an ultimate lesson in all of this – one that became abundantly clear to me - it is that none of us have any control over our circumstances but only how we react to them

In skydiving I have found a way to reconcile and deal with this universal phenomenon and found an inner peace and joy to help me continue on navigating thru the journey

After all – as Kaptain Kirk keeps reminding me “it is not the destination but the journey that is important so relax and enjoy it”

Thanx Kirk

I’m trying 

With heartfelt appreciation to BJ, Jonni~Renee, KatManKanDo, Chessie, Larry, Demo, Tuna, Kaptain Kirk, Samer, Laura, Sally, Scott, Ms Tiff, and JT.

( WRITTEN IN JUNE OF 2008 ) 

In the Beginning ...

So - how do you begin to record one of the GREATEST adventures of your life when you are almost 4 years into it ?
Meaning ... I took my FIRST Leap ( of Faith ) March 17 2006 and I am only now setting up my "internet journal" - my web log / Blog
Well - actually - that isn't quite true
I can alleviate  some of my guilt knowing I have chronicled various sundry parts in and on other venues.
The trick for me now is to pick and choose - cut and past - and present a GOOD clean synopsis of what has transpired and then - move on from here.
Funny - you would think it would have occurred to me to do this long ago - and actually - it has - but then  those of you who know me - know where I am - know where I have been and what I have been doing - may just understand the "y"
In keeping with tradition - I know - something rare and different for me - there is no place like the start like in the beginning ...
That having been said - I did go back and collect everything I could find that referenced any of my thoughts and feelings over the past four years about skydiving ...
Here is what I wrote back in March of 2006

OMG - WHAT a RUSH !

Ok - so its not for everyone - BUT - It is Most Assuredly for me !

I have NEVER been "happier" - ( freeier ? - more free ) and in "touch" with Spirit.

Guess I should have known - why did it take me 45 years to "click" into this little gem ?

You would think my obcession with flight and speed would have been a "clue" ...

But the Lord has His Seasons and Reasons for everything and so I must once again trust it is all for a purpose ...

With ALL that I have been thru and with all I am going to have to "face" - this is a Bright Light I can focus on.

A joy

An indescribable sensation that my body and soul now apparently "crave"

As I drifted back to the earth this afternoon I was reminded of something DeVinci once said ... 

"and once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward for there you have been and there you long to return"

Though I have no mortal arms to hold me late at night, no confidents to share my hopes and dreams with, though I am "alone" on this path that I must now walk ... I have renewed my Spirit and found a source of energy to help me get thru this and whatever lies ahead.

I am - in Flight - at Peace

mjm