It shouldnt be this way ...
I wanted these blogs to be happy and uplifting events - especially the ones about skydiving
But alas ...
The Universe had other plans
Perhaps I should have been more diligent ?
Maybe I wasnt appreciative enough ?
Perhaps I should have kept the log book and journals up to date ?
Maybe I didnt "Pay It Forward" ?
Or
Perhaps - which is my greatest fear - this is an episode in my life that has come and gone almost without me even being aware of it ?
Im not sure when things actually shifted ?
Im not sure I really want to ...
Why did something so PURE become so tainted ?
Skydiving gave me HOPE
Now - even the thought of going back in the air fills me with anxiety from head to toe
I remember my first few encounters with the aerial freedom and healing energies falling through the sky at 120 plus miles an hour gave me ...
I remember - even when I pounded into the ground and shattered my foot - I was NOT going to give this up - EVER !
My friend Marius told me - some day - you will just STOP - and think - why am I doing this ?
That hasnt happened ( yet )
On the contrary - I know - or I thought I did - WHY I am ( was ) doing this
The problem is much more complex
The problem is nauseating
The problem is tearing me apart
As I sit out on the back porch of the place I have tried to call "home" I realize that there are certain things you can not have or make come true - no matter how hard you may try
They say you will never have more on your plate than you can handle
The Sperm Donner use to always say - "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger"
I feel like I am about to "die"
I want PEACE
I want SANCTUARY
I want to be LOVED
PS And yes - I still want to skydive ...
