Log Book 11-10-11 / Post Tunnel - What a BLAST

Thank You Lord ...
Even though things have been a "little tough" these past few weeks ( and by all accounts may get a little tougher ) I had the WONDERFUL Gift and opportunity to fly in the tunnel - TWICE - this week !
The FSL Monthly Tunnel Kicker was held on Tuesday evening
Many of the "regular participants" were there - along with a few NEW ones as well
I am still trying to make some "connections" in hopes of putting together a future Team or at least have access to some quality belly flyers
No luck again this gathering but - I was able to get in some pretty good 4 way practice with Bob, Ari, Kurt and a get named Kirk - who is part of the Para Commandos from Z Hills.
Flying in the tunnel is a passion of mine ...
It allows me to concentrate on the body piloting aspects of skydiving without having to deal with the plane ride to altitude, exits, deployments and landings
Ummm ...
I know - I NEED to work on these skills but - tunnel flying is SO Much FUN !
Wednesday night I was able to do it again with my New Friend Yvonne.
She has about the same number of jumps as I do but way more tunnel and - her boyfriend - Ari - is an accomplished flyer and coach himself
No matter

We had a BLAST
( I even smiled - some )

Log Book 10 - 29 - 11 / Down - But NOT Out !

Im SAD ... 

Its Nationals 

Im in Florida - not Arizona - where the meet is being held

No Team ( still ) 

SICK - and on meds to boot ! 

It has been SUCH a "challenging" time ...

I harbour the demons and resentments of "what ifs" and "how comes" 

I am left to embrace them 

Alone 

EVERYDAY 

At 50 - I hear that proverbial clock ... 

Tick Tock - TICK TOCK

There are lessons here to be learned 

For SURE 

Painful ... 

For SURE 

But 

Like the Phenoix I am ... 

I WILL Rise Again 

To Take 

Flight ! 

Log Book 10 - 16 - 11 / Judgement Day

I have been wrestling with my relationship with "the sky"
STILL
It has been one of the greatest challenges of my life
Sorting out ME, skydiving, JT, Bugs and Bones and the like ...
Totally overwhelming
STILL
GOOD News
Yesterday - I was given a "gift"
Through a series of events - that originally had me feeling left out and rejected ( again ) - I was able to participate in a meet as an adjudicator.
I met a wonderful man who took the time and effort to share with me his knowledge and methods of the process
I learned
I had FUN
And I took another step forward in re claiming my "stuff"

Log Book - 9-7-11 - Post Tunnel Post

Flew in the tunnel last night
FREE
FLS / iFly Orlando sponsored event
GREAT idea to get the belly flying community exposed to each other, the tunnel and hopefully increase participation within the league
Heard talk last night that the NSL / FSL was going to try and create a venue for "older' ( over 40 ) flyers to complete seriously without having to feel "pasturized"
Wonder who came up with THAT idea ?
LOL
Anyway
FUN Nite
Got "my fix"
No complaints

Log Book Entry 9-11-11

Yup ...
10 year anniversary since the Twin Tower "event"
Note I did not say - "attack" - although I guess - in a way - it was ?
I doubt the TRUTH will ever be known about the "who's and whys" of the event -  and in the end - like most things - it does not matter
Mankind - and life as we knew it - was significantly altered that day
History "shifted"
Today I AM reflecting back on the past decade
Today I am reflecting back on the past year
Today I am reflecting back on the past month
Today I am reflecting back on the past week
And today I am reflecting back on the past day ...
I AM pondering "circumstances"
This past decade is one that I would truly like to "forget" ( or at least move on from )
This past year falls into much the same category
The past month - well - it has been a "growing" experience
As sedentary and cautious as I have been I have learned that my soul - and my spirit - are "OK"
Validation has come from everywhere ...
The past week has been like a "pause before the storm" - but I feel like it is going to be in a GOOD storm ...
And this past day - yesterday - was a pure JOY !
Yesterday I participated in Karl's 12 ways at Skydive Deland
I was actually invited ...
In fact - this was the second time !
It was a GREAT Day
My flying wasn't "the best" but I learned a lot about exiting the plane in a group ( both as a rear float and as a diver ) , I learned and practiced my group tracking and landing approach and I engaged myself socially with others ( ALL of which I met with a fair amount of success )
Florida is giving me so many affirmations that I am - in fact - "ok"
Yesterday - I feel like a "connected" back with "society"
I remembered that I do not have to be part of it to be part of it and I am only hurting myself if I continue to withdrawl.
None of this journey has been - or will be - "easy" - but ... I really "feel" I am "on the right path"
Skydiving is something I do not want to let go of ...
Skydiving is something deep in my soul
Skydiving makes my spirit "smile"
Skydiving shows me the lessons
Skydiving

Log Book 8-22-11 Its ALL Coming Back To Me Now ...

Its been a while ...
In fact - to long !
WAY Too Long
Life - or lack there of - got in the way
It seems I lost sight of SO much ...
Visions blurred
Images distorted beyond recognition
Goals and aspirations misplaced
Who am I / Who I am
What Im about
I was only existing
In a vacuum
Spinning through an abyss
Trapped between what was - is - and what I wanted it to be
SO Many cliches
Relevant - yet not
Skydiving IS in my heart - and soul
I must NEVER Forget this again
It is MINE - to own and do with what I want
So I am dusting off my wings
Heading back to the sky where I can (re ) begin
My Skydiving journey
~me~
PS Thanx T Bird and Chessie - For REMINDING Me of ALL This - That ( and MORE )

Log Book Entry 6-22-10 - Sorrow and Confusion

It shouldnt be this way ...
I wanted these blogs to be happy and uplifting events - especially the ones about skydiving
But alas ... 
The Universe had other plans 
Perhaps I should have been more diligent ? 
Maybe I wasnt appreciative enough ? 
Perhaps I should have kept the log book and journals up to date ? 
Maybe I didnt "Pay It Forward" ? 
Or 
Perhaps - which is my greatest fear - this is an episode in my life that has come and gone almost without me even being aware of it ? 
Im not sure when things actually shifted ? 
Im not sure I really want to ...
Why did something so PURE become so tainted ? 
Skydiving gave me HOPE
Now - even the thought of going back in the air fills me with anxiety from head to toe
I remember my first few encounters with the aerial freedom and healing energies falling through the sky at 120 plus miles an hour gave me ... 
I remember - even when I pounded into the ground and shattered my foot - I was NOT going to give this up - EVER ! 
My friend Marius told me - some day - you will just STOP - and think - why am I doing this ?
That hasnt happened ( yet ) 
On the contrary - I know - or I thought I did - WHY I am ( was )  doing this 
The problem is much more complex 
The problem is nauseating 
The problem is tearing me apart 
As I sit out on the back porch of the place I have tried to call "home" I realize that there are certain things you can not have or make come true - no matter how hard you may try
They say you will never have more on your plate than you can handle
The Sperm Donner use to always say - "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" 
I feel like I am about to "die" 
I want PEACE
I want SANCTUARY 
I want to be LOVED 
PS And yes - I still want to skydive ...